If I saw a unicorn today, I wouldn't be suprised..

To all my lovely friends and family that have watched me writhe in a pit of stroke-inducing stress these last few weeks...I got the apartment!
I got the damn apartment!
Hooray! I feel about 800 lbs lighter.
Thanks for listening to me bitch about it, folks. Hopefully you won't have to hear about anything else for quite some time. Maybe I'll finally be able to listen to your problems for awhile.

This is what I don't want to have to say..

No No No. This is not what I meant. It was a weak moment, and I was feeling guilty. It was the red wine, the music, the photobooth strip of us that I happened upon while cleaning my room. I meant only what I said: That I am sorry. That I never wanted to hurt you. That I know how it sucks, that I'm not some asshole blowing you off, I've been hurt like everyone else and it kills me to be the one to do that to you. I thought enough time had passed for me to say this. I only called because I knew I wouldn't have to talk to you, that I could just leave a message. I really did/do think you are wonderful. But you never did really listen to me, because I never told you I shared your feelings, I was always honest and when you kept running off with it and ignoring my protests I had to do what I thought was right. Because you weren't going to protect yourself. Why do you do this? You are a great artist, you have alot going for you, where is your dignity? I gave it a shot, we tried, but it just wasn't right for me. I wasn't ready for it, I had just gotten out of a relationship. But even now that all that is long gone and healed over I still do not want to be with you romantically. I am seeing someone else. I don't know why it can't be you but it just can't. I would have liked to have you in my life, I do miss you very much but I don't think you are able to be my friend. Good god, do not start stalking me, do not make me have some confrontation with you, quit calling me all the time, please pick up your pieces and move on. I am in the middle of trying to move, I am working all the time, I have a million stresses pouring over my head please I beg you let me alone I do not need this I do not want this I do not have this coming. I don't want to be this asshole, I do not want to threaten you and push back but I will if I have to and if you continue this shit you will see how very unkind I can be.

Julie's Poem

If you had given me a chance
I'd like to think I could of said all the right things.
Things like:

Honey
Let me hold your heart awhile
because I know that it's heavy.
I know...
How time swings like an axe
Brain breaks like an egg
When love leaves a smear of sorrow in the bed
But dreams of vows interrupt the Here and Now
Say never to forever and ask yourself how
you're gonna put YOUR story back together...a house of cards to withstand the stormy weather
of a future inevitable..thus, forgettable...so throw out the regrettable, take a picture of what's
livable
and hang it on the wall.
Now look at it.
Are you in it?
Damn, Julie, that's the most important ingredient
wish you could take a Magic Marker and draw yourself in but..
Magic never worked for me either.
So
Maybe you fucked up.
So what?
Mistakes are tough but chalk it up to a lesson and drop the lowest grade
What's your average?
There are monsters in this world, sure-
Lost causes wearing their souls inside out
Hearts so sick they can only whimper in the dark..begging for a mercy shot
But you...
I know you.
You were the first infant I ever held
A shiny pink thing too heavy for my 7 year old arms
Your girl-wicked laugh
whenever you beat my ass at badminton
You shy sweet delinquent sucking down stolen beers behind Granmother's house
Oh Julie.
There's not a goddamned thing you could ever do to make me quit believing that
YOU belong HERE.
Don't go.
Don't you go...and drive that car to a Lowe's hardware parking lot
where the fuck did you get that gun, anyway?
Don't you leave that note
a text so empty of explanation just-
Take care of my dogs.
Take care of my kid.

Don't go
Because at 19 you haven't given life a chance to give back
For Providence to reach down and snap you back up by your bra-strap
and believe me, it can.

Wait.
Wait.
It's almost Christmas.

Maybe sometimes the stregnth to live isn't something that can be earned-
it's something that is given.
Maybe it's wrapped up and waiting for you
under that tree.
And tomorrow you can open it.

so stick around tonight.

It just might be worth it.

There are works of art beneath my nails...

Everywhere, everywhere, art ART!
The show went well, hand-rolled sushi, I played the fuck out of strange instruments... and everything was well in the world.
Read that poem for Julie at the slam, very difficult, emotional...but felt right to share it.
Starting pre-production for the film this summer, (again) have some definite help with the budget, the lead actor I originally wrote the script for will actually be here to do it, hooray!
Recording the songs with Greg, getting free pirated music software that I could normally never afford...
Ta-Da! Here lies the big SECRET...how do I keep forgetting? All that it takes to make me happy waits in the creating. Actions done for the simple sake of breathing, seeing, feeling, laughing...
All the money demons with their wet claws, the tired body, the burning lungs, the boys with their pushing and pulling, every worry slips off me like a dress when I am living inside my hands my words my music my pictures my art your art that guy's art her lovely dripping art.

I will find a new place..today I am looking..done with the fretting...I'll do all I can and it's all I can do. Today the sun is out and I am meandering..I had coffee and brunch with the sweet miss Bradien and now I am out hunting for my new place. Very exited about it, thinking about how it will look, what I will cook, where will the little Uba cat sleep?
It's all in the direction, the horizon, where to turn your feet and say go.
(so jump the fuck outta my way, bitches)