Everything is good these days but...all of my friends are dying..

Daisy may, and Lisa may but...nobody else really wants to stay.
nobody else really wants to stay.

So grief brings gifts of a bitter numbing...a way of pushing everything else out...Well I've looked this gifthorse in the mouth and only counted cavities. I've tried to find my tears hiding around the edges of things. Why can't I cry? This pressure is a blister..someone pop it, let it fester.. I've lost a phantom sister, I swear I used to know her but I look at these old snippets of celluloid and wonder.. I'm digging into pockets pulling change out to throw at the sky, saying "Fuck! How many quarters do you need to make enough change to change time..I will find it, just give her back, you know me, you know I can do it..." All the things I never said, all the things we never did... all spilling into nothingness I can't believe that this is it. My hands are full of crushed petals...fuck funerals! there ought to be a bomb let off, there ought to be murals..

Peanut, do you remember that tombstone we used to look at in the graveyard by the Marietta Square?

"A little one from us is gone, a voice we loved is stilled.
There is an Absence in our hearts which never can be filled"

-that goddamned thing keeps popping into my head over and over.

and this:

I choose not to remember
that I miss your arrogance
and I need your intelligence
and your hate for authority...

Goddamn the Sun.
Goddamn the Sun.
and Goddamn anyone
who says a kind word.

Oh little one...we hadn't seen each other for years. But at least I always knew you were out there..existing.

HA!

Looks like Greg and I are finally going to start recording the cd!!! Hooray!

Woman, walk that plank as if it were your destiny...

What an emotional weekend. Ran into an old friend who I had at one time banished from my life. We talked of that time, he apoligized for his hefty contributions to my hellish nightmare of a couple of months, he told me about his own hellish nightmares from then that may have influenced his actions. Made me think about how turbulent things were back then, what a slippery spiral staircase I was on... I felt like weeping, I felt so thankful that time was over. So much has happened these last few days.... An old co-worker of mine called me up, she needed me to help her get drunk, her heart had just been crushed beneath the boot of some brute. What the hell is going on with people lately? Several of my friends are having their little vulnerable chests cracked open by someone deciding to give them impromtu open-heart-surgery. She was so sad, so desperately sad, I was overwhelmed by it...touched by it...just wanted to transport her to three months from now where she'll be happy again. Again, I was filled with a blessed feeling that I have had time and space and healing from the last time I had my own heart-butchering. I looked at her face and felt a coldness in my eyes, I heard these words in my head:
"Hell no. I know that place. I will never go there again."
I will never go alot of dark places again. Fuck all that misery. Just because I CAN take it, doesn't mean I HAVE to.

The sidewalks are full of Love's lonely children...

This bird hates me...

These are from the last shoot for Dara, but yesterday she had me do some new ones. Fun day, full of whipping cold wind, heavy beer-soaked conversations about creativity/love/family/dreams/destinations.

It is true...

Yes, I miss you. Sometimes it sticks under the ribcage...a pain like a stitch in the side from running...I guess I have been running... so far now that I don't know how much longer I'll be visible to you. Sometimes I wish you'd catch up to me. Windows are closing. I miss you but when I look back you are getting smaller.
"You look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far, far away...."

Radioactive Lady Eyeball

So one of my dearest old friends is having one of those abysmal times...where everything is falling apart and you feel like a pile of dirty dishes on the floor. So after our conversation today Mr. Borax, I still have a few things I forgot to say:

1. Think of how low you feel, then think about winning an assload of cash. If your spirits are instantly lifted, you'll be fine. "Eh, there's nothing wrong with her a hundred dollars won't fix"-tom waits

2. Get drunk all you want, but remember to eat. And get up in the morning. Do it!

3. Quit trying to be so fucking fair and nice. You no longer have to. That's one of the perks.

4. When someone says you are too good for them, they are usually right.

And finally...a little poem for you...


When you're spending too much time
spending money on people who are
spending you

When you are letting your sins hang around your neck
public as a trashy jewel

When those people have stopped coming around
because you've stopped being something fun to do

When you're drunk and dreaming of ex-lovers
putting guns to their heads in an empty room

Put down the mirror
pick up the keys
shake your wicked head and mutter this on your way out the door:

"shit, motherfuckers! I don't give a damn.
I don't give
a good
god
damn"

Take care there, friend. I'll catch you on the Bright Side when you find it.

pictures from that catalog-a-gog thing

Yes, I know..what's up with the flower? Hey, shut up, I just took the drugs and did as I was told.