Thursday, December 29, 2005

heart offers a small sigh and wears a tired half-smile tonight

end of the day...what can I say but that I have this song in my head:

I do it for the joy it brings.
because I am a joyful girl.
because the world owes me
nothing
But we owe each other
the world.
I do it because it's the least I can do.
I do it because I learned it
from you.
I do it just because I
want to.
'cause I want to.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

fun with booze and writing

stream of conciousness shit.... can't make much sense of it. At the time though, I thought it was brilliant. oy gevalt.

Here come the pretty people watch them clip clop along concrete pathways speckled with spit and broken feathers. Watch wounds split open again over timid fires slipping out of hopefull mouths- Mouths too dry to float an idea in, but here try this martini olive. I'm watching a woman drink a tall glass of anxiety- she orders off the middle shelf, likes to look at herself, she's drinking Maker's Mark, she'd like to make her mark someday, maybe after a few drinks she'll do it. He's outside waiting for me, but I'm looking for the poem that runs so hard it just can't even breathe. I've never won a game of softball but you should see me in a Spelling Bee. Our eyes follow the same line but do you see what I see? Well, Boo Hoo Kermit, you think it's easy being mean? Tell that asshole he can muster all his hate, pile it on my plate and I'll only smile and say: "No thanks. I already ate" He's still out there waiting why doesn't he go away. Sure I seem all silk from underthings to eyebrows, but sometimes... it's like my heart ain't red and my pupils ain't black, it's more like the other way around. You've been pushing my buttons, but guess what? I drained it. You think you've got my number but I called Quest up and changed it. You wanted a Meg Ryan for this role but I have Jessica Lange-ed it. Listen, when I'm dead and gone you can come along and
piss on the coffin
they carry me off in
but honey, I won't be listening.

Monday, December 26, 2005

brain a whorl of swirling fish

A new year coming up...crawling bloody up out of a ditch...it finally beat the big brute of 2005. Hooray! I say..."2005, hurry up and die". What a wretched year. What with the Tsunami and Katrina, it's a wonder we don't all fall out of our beds dream-fighting the pull of water that threatens to drown us and fill our mouths with disease. Many deaths among my friends and family this year. A few beatings. heartbreaks. illness..bodies that refuse to heal. I'm remembering what joy can be, a shine in the fog that only I can see, I'm sweating off this melted snow and looking for the future instead of the past in my tea leaves. I hope my beautiful family finds footing again. Maybe Rome wasn't built in a day, but Rome wasn't New Orleans. I'm smiling again, pulling up my sleeves, looking in the mirror and asking that well-meaning girl: "allright, you tired asshole, where the hell shall we start?"

Monday, December 19, 2005

Your emotional analysis gives me vocal paralysis

Single again, yee haw. Now they come up out of every shadow, with the god damned movies and drinks and dinners, clamoring to set themselves on fire...walk the plank for me...celebrate my prettiness.... I don't mean to complain but c'mon, I need a breather in the lobby.
Men. Half of them want to be diapered, and the other half really ought to be.
Another one! What the hell am I to do with this? Too soon to be saying all this dripping beautiful stuff. I'm not going to run away, but this just isn't what I want right now. I'm still sporting the iodine-doused scratches from my last escape.
Fuck! I sound like such an asshole!
Things are just so good right now: music, volunteer job, fencing class, rediscovering what a splendid pack of friends I have, etc etc...
afraid of it getting fucked up.

I don't want to fade in you- I make my own scene
Lovers will just steal your clothes but I'm not one of them
Forgive me I just didn't want to run away with you
I don't want to take you home or shack you up with me
or make you Mrs Anyone or make you Mr Me
I'm just
into you like a train


Beautiful Boy, forgive me.
forgive me
forgive me

Thursday, December 15, 2005

One for the Virgins

( a little poem I wrote for the lovely Ms. T, who...well...is growing up)

So soon you'll find out that the rumours aren't true
The sky won't open up and bathe your newly awakened body in curves of satin or leather
But..at least... neither will you now have to swagger as if you just slid off the Eiffel Tower
And though there may be a small rusty smudge, there will be no spilling of intestines or riding out the door on a crimson river
And no stone-throwing, red-letter-wearing party will ensue-
Honey, no one can tell just by looking at you.

Some sex sticks
meaningless as a toaster, dense as peanut butter
though you may not mind it on the roof of your mouth
Sometimes see it swell out of hurt- like a blister
you'll want to pop the pressure
but beware of infections that may later fester
And once you are open for business, you're not open 24 hours
Sometimes you'll want to toss your contraceptive contraptions out the window
lock yourself tight at the knees
You may dream of nunneries

Sometimes you'll stumble into it
spin flip dizzy and not worry where you fall
Your back will bend into templed architecture
You will want to be consumed
For to be a lover in love you must be a phoenix
and you must burn to emerge
After times like this when you are still and spent
It will feel as natural as an ocean...
and as humbling...
and...as salty.

But there may
be Next Days
when you have the feeling of an abandoned sock- the sort that seems to have never really come from anywhere
Yes-there may be the sort of sex
that pulls a wince from your eye and makes you want to look away
But remember:
Keep your eyes on the road
You don't have to look back
Sometimes you're gonna need to leave the past where it's at.

Monday, December 12, 2005

I dyed my easter egg black, my saviour ain't coming back...

...He ain't coming back at all.

Christ-Mas. Huh. Why do I hate Christians so much? I don't hate the religions of other folks, religions I also do not believe in. The reality of it, is that to be quite honest with myself, it is the white suburban ones I hate. I loved going to church growing up in Atlanta, but those church-goers were fun and didn't look like Old Navy commercials.
Is this me?
Am I a Hater?